Flats

“Dear Tyger”, we wrote, “may we have your permissionTo pen several puzzles for this competition?”

“Oh, send in as many”, she wrote in response,“As you want.” Lo, the Noam and Hale renaissance!

“Just one”, she went on, “makes this year’s competition.”Too bad, but that’s fair—and it’s also tradition.

We went with “THIRTEEN” (a large fire) for kicksIn this verse, which exhausts our small THREE FOUR SIX.

When I was just a little girl,I had a tutor fascinate me.Multiply X byJust that same X—Let me now spill the tea:

It’s a STRAW, a STRAW.Consider, say, three and three:Their product is nine, you see—It’s a STRAW, a STRAW.

I put on “Revolution 9”And listened closely, line by line.It made no sense played front to back,But in reverse? Alas, alack!The news we want to hear the least:It seems our hero Paul’s deceased.

A car crash, says the rumor mill.(I struggle to believe it still.)He wasn’t able to survive,As in the flames, he SIX TWO FIVE.The group worked quickly, bringing onA look-alike to play with John!

The doppelganger stuck aroundAnd, though he couldn’t leave the ground,The TEN replacement founded Wings,Who had a painful go at things…Until, that is, their third release,FOUR TWO THREE THREE, saw booing cease.

Each side of SEVEN FIVE todayCan boast its own Hard Rock Cafe.And with their musical motif,Old Glory and the Maple LeafBoth wave while tourist EIGHT can takeA gander at a shot of Drake.

So you miss your beloved pet snake?Phoning home didn’t help? Here’s my take:You’ve got such stellar vision—just look!Focus hard and you’ll see her. CHINOOK!

Danger! Danger! Mind the Gap!Wait. My bad. It’s FRAPPE. No RAP.

Godzilla vs. Megalon:Two hulking TIMERs roar.The curtains are, in Tokyo, drawn:The THEODORE of war.

The former has atomic breath,A warrior tough as granite;The latter wants the RED-HOT’s death—A TROTHED to our whole planet!

SIMON, here, hypothesizesTHREE-TOEDs high from fear;Our pulses should begin to rise asTokyo’s end draws near.

However, something seems to pauseThe risk of our demise.Our horror turns to loud guffaws—LIVONIA floods our eyes!

Wait, laughter? With the world at stake?Well, here’s the ALVIN solved:Amusing quips and wisecracks makeFor smirks from all involved.

If robots cracking jokes galoreWhile mocking films sounds fun,Then ^ALVIN ^SIMON ^THEODORE3000’s best, bar none!

A snake enjoyed the evening mealsShe ate at my resort.(While she was at the SNOWMOBILES;Yes, serpent fare’s my forte.)

I manage a whole bunch of folding machines!Though they do only LAUNDRY, they’re pros.I lead them with strictness and order, which meansIt’s a disciplined, structured CLEAN CLOTHES.

You want the ball back quick?REVERT an EVER kick.

On the weekend, we cooked up a feast!It took nine or ten hours, at least.We had meat, we had greens,We had Boston baked beans—Oh, don’t worry! Our table was PRIEST.

We played tunes through my Spotify trialAnd named dishes according to style:Country corn, hip-hop ham,Electronica yam,And progressive baroque crocodile.

Then on CARDINAL night,There erupted a fightAbout what should be served at the end.(As a group, we’re polite.Things were civil, despiteEach chef repping their music-food blend.)

We agreed that the options were vast,So we voted; once ballots were cast,Tabulation decreed(Anticlimax indeed)That we just eat our emo veal last.

The great Ampère, when he was young,Was lacking common sense.He’d heard some talk about resistance—Current times were tense.He asked, “Papa, will we remainThe capital of Gaul?”His Dad just laughs. “My SOL to beThat after Rome’s great fall!”

Some leaders from the past convenedTo run a mock UN event.“I’m Ireland,” claimed one, who leanedIn close and hyped his new three-centPiece: “Better than the silver FIVEWe minted ’til I turned fifteen!”They took a break, and—man alive!—The others, in the SEVEN ’tweenThe meeting’s halves, deduced that there’dBeen fraud: “He’s from the Buckeye State!”Upon return, they thus declaredHim “STAR FOUR COMMA STAR FOUR EIGHT”!

A snake is Lirath’s nurse—Mr. CLOTHING’s source of meds.When he feels a little worse,She administers his THREADS.

If SHORT were to wear all his golds as he ran,The loud, pealing LONG of those medals—oh man!

The alpine ONEs began to singA song, complex and FOUR.It started TWO—a gloomy thing—But they had lots in store…

Dynamics changed! The song got THREE!The tempo rose and rose!They FIVE switched parts, with ease and glee.These warblers sure were pros!

To end, a SIX: a tricky trill,One syllable repeated.They pulled it off with awesome skill—A masterpiece completed!

When adding to your list of pals on PUNCH,Beware that dude who owns a single midge!(Unless, of course, you really want a bunchOf temporary photos of that FRIDGE.)

As part of ONE Phoenix’s recent health kick...

I really like to be precise.Approximations won’t suffice.Rough guesses are routinely keptInside my head—that is, exceptWhen unrelenting noggin painsFree loose conjectures from their chains.It hurts me! When my SPITTLE TIPSHypotheses slip through my lips.

Did ALL IN, at first, to make video games?OUT—cards were among their original aims.

After Idol Season 3,Fantasia had to faceTwo dozen petty suits, and sheWon each and every case.

Each lawsuit had the very sameRelentless plaintiff, whoseBeefs gave Fantasia extra fameFrom coverage on the news!

As Jesus turned pure water in-To wine, so did Ms. YESTransform the NEVER’s claims, and spinThem into solid press.

Before you give your POST away,Be keen, be wise, be PRE;Make sure that you’re a fit, okay?Make sure you nicely KEY.

When looking for a CLARKE, I swear, aStrong test is: (s)he ACKBe willing to apply REL veraTo your sunburnt back.

My favorite aviatrix flewAcross the ocean. Have you heard?I wear my ONE KEY just to TWOMy constant need to spread the word.

It may come as a shock to youThat ONEs don’t occupy Lake TWO.

This issue marks one yearOf having Btnirn SHRED our flats.His influence is clear,So I say thank you and congrats!

The gold digger’s KEY was a wealthy JOE BLOW.She said “yes” with the KING to inherit his dough.

Caring for children, by many, is doneWith elaborate calculations.Mom did some TWO and was wonderfully ONE.Hidden cosine law applications!

My snake cheers when he hears Adele perform.He, during half of some Top 40 NORMMusicians backed her, playing up a storm!

The Oral Solicitude (aka “care”)Society welcomes dear R/EDS, I declare!He brushes and SECOND and rinses like mad.(But OSS noms can’t have slashes. Too bad.)

Selection of bridesmaids, by many, is doneWith elaborate calculations.My wife did the TWO, and she chose a great ONEThanks to expertly done summations!

Creation of a Sefer *TWOIs tough if you’ve the shakes.The ONE must be precisely du-Plicated. No mistakes.

To Crete! Daring Theseus followed his routeThrough King Minos’s realm to the maze’s front stoop.

The minotaur got real annoyed when some guestWould toss blocks all about or theatrically sneeze.When Theseus entered, his host was impressedThat he neither made noises THREE-SIXTY DEGREES.

Instead, he drew blood, and the minotaur letOut this cry quite prolonged, followed by, as he grabbedHis wound TWO-PI RADIANS brought not just sweat,But confusion. He’d dreaded the day he’d get stabbed.)

The legend then followed his ball of string out,Heading back home to Athens to finish the loop.

If we could hear LOOM’s LOAN uponDiscovering her record’s gone(For longest-serving British mon-Arch), would she cheer or be OMAN?

A snake’s still on the Simpson family case.He hasn’t let the verdict read by CHASE.

My professor’s rather snooty.When I ask him for supplies,Like some mice or gears, “My dutyAin’t to give you stuff,” he cries.

It was I who checked the weatherAs he worked on his machineThat would make it PEN-TIPPED FEATHEROn demand. But still, he’s mean.

I’m a trustworthy assistant.We’ve achieved a lot together.But I’m feeling nonexistent;He won’t even FEN-PIPPED TETHER.

If, on the Ides of March, the birthOf THIN occurred, for what it’s worth,He’d be a FOURTH. Instead, he died;The Cancer’s FOREIGN burned outside.

Although it’s close, to call this baseA palindrome — that would be base.THE BASE IN QUESTION of this baseYields something different than the base.

One wears a SOUNDOn one’s AROUND.

Well, my son loves to count. It’s his expertise.So the ONE TWO a THREE to the 123s.

It’s written for piano, but J. Brahms maintained “I gottaThrow in MARIMBAS for some sng in my premier sonata.”

Sprinting is Malcolm from Dover’s religion.He doesn’t fly places; he ONE.His faith in his legs doesn’t waver a smidgen;He runs and he runs ’til he’s done.

Well, Mal just dashed home from Recouvery (yes,In keeping with his zipping TWO).With two Portlands en route, this trek wasn’t express:Six-million-plus THREEs. (Me? I flew!)

Creating legislation for machines will be a mess.The questions that surround this task will surely cause distress.The congressmen and women will revise and reassess;Oh, they’ll type and then delete their work entirely, I’d guess.

Take jury duty, for example — should they have our trust?As punishment, e.g., for murder: what is truly just?Should robots work, for instance, from creation ’til they bust?Should it be against the BLANK, or can they stop before they rust?

“Is this day unending?” PhilFrom Groundhog Day lamented.“Will you REBER 2nd? WillThe 3rd remain prevented?”

Phil prepared some fruit to feastOn, intricately cut,Surface area increasedTo boost the taste somewhat.

Myrtaceous, double-helixed fruitFrom Africa succeeded;As Phil ate SUBUS grew, pursuitOf later days receded.

This flat could use,BARE retrospect,A few more cluesFor you to DECKED.

As the desert eddy sucked Delilah ever deeper,She seemed, on the exterior, accepting of her fate.However, EYRE, she feared her looming meeting with the Reaper;She didn’t feel too dignified inside a PEATY PRATE.

The Oolong Classic’s viewershipIs low. We’re losing eyes.The golfer with the lowest scoreDON’T care about the prize?

The curator at the museum insistedThat tigers and dinos have separate exhibits.“One TWO ONEs the other! To merge them is twisted.Anachronism my curation prohibits!”

On holidays, hybrid utensils are neverWithin my reach or sight.If I had a map with a symbol whereverThose things were, I’d delight.

Instead, I’m a fool, forced to pester my guest.At Easter, “Lang, that foon”.Thanksgiving: “Baracus, choptongs”, I’d request.And DOG DAY AFTERNOON.

Yo! This plant you see? Opuntia!Yes, that’s right — I grew a bunchaCacti. THIS and prickly pear.Attention! HIS! Feel free to stare!

There’s pain in the front-middle parts of my feet.(My tarsi, to use fancy physio slang.)I crawled to the clinic that’s just down the street:“You’ve got TWELVE impingement in both of your HANG.”

A snake consumed the thing that brews my joe!I guess I’ll go without, since I’m VAN GOGH.

I’ve got what they call “flattist’s block”.Can barely change a letter.I’m too depressed to walk or talk,So please send good OR better.

I had me a nightmare: our con hosts had issues!The first one was blubbering into some tissues.He’d lost motivation und couldn’t determineWhich puzzles to bring. (Yes, my dream was part-German.)

The other was choosing his con disposition.Be fusty y staid like a stern politicianOr show his outrageous but sharp sense of humor?(My trilingual dreams are much more than just rumor.)

With just enough time to help one of the two,I chose to encourage THE ONE WHO will do.”

When you trek to some event,Go slowly; get there surely.Don’t dally, though — you might lament.Sometimes FLY prematurely.

Don’t make an adversary of your spouse.A BOMB-CAT COMBAT ends peace in your house.

Fresca’s affair with her charming physician,Ken Pepper, put her in the awkward positionOf having to beg, “Please, forget about this!”When her man, RC Vernor, walked in on their kiss.

Meanwhile, two friends, Messrs. Allen & Wright,Each received spooky visits from some naughty spriteWho told each that the other’s developed a crushOn his sister. “But keep it a secret! Hush hush!”

Well, of course, it’s TV, so no secret is kept;Wright struck first, bashing in Allen’s mug as he slept.At the hospital, Allen observed, with a start,Fresca Vernor (née Wright) with that doc — oh, his heart!

TV’s had great genres for quite a long time,None better than COKEs of the PEPSI WITH LIME.

Was Clara’s show a matineeOr did she play at SAN JOSE?

What goes down smoothTo comfort and sootheThe TWOs of many a bar?Tequila? Nope —Much smoother, you dope!Everyone knows it’s whisky!

You play aroundWith knick-knacks you found,And then — the hot tub is next.Now what’s the bestHard drink to request?Everyone knows it’s whisky!

It’s whisky! It’s whisky!ONE first — so no driving post-drink!It’s whisky! It’s whisky!You need a glass now, don’t you think?

A snake ate all my closed-toe shoes!I guess I’ll put my KANGAROOS.

Sing a song of sixpence,A pocket full of rye.Four and twenty blackbirdsBaked in a pie.

Sing a song of threepence,A minty chocolate shake.Half as many night birdsBaked in a cake.

Father finished dinner(Spaghetti, fully stirred);Before him sat a pie, which heDowned without a word.

He swigged a couple drinks(Two examples named above),And to end, the horrid cake routine:Nightly, MOURNING DOVE.

The man to whom you send your flatsIs great at what he does.I wouldn’t send him questions, though,Re vitamins, becauseI checked his knowledge on B1 —He couldn’t tell me much.So, at the least, I would advise:Do not ask CALTECH CLUTCH.

A note was found in Athens —A remarkable creation.If you hold the letter upside-down:Voila! Direct translation!

The message is a recipeFor pudding, steamed, with plums and sheep.The author ate some as he wrote;He penned the missive FIVE BOWLS DEEP.

I like to eat bread with my meat,So I ordered a SEAT with my SWEET.

If NPL join dates were used to deriveThe positions of chairs for the Con member shot,I’d quickly conclude that they’d placed my FOUR FIVEIf STAR EIGHT were beside me. (But I’d keep my spot.)

Chicken pox is ONEAnd transmissible by DONE.

As you, the reader of this flat,Are reading this, you may feel thatThe verse’s twenty-one DEBUTAre CURTAIN CALL. (That’s quite a few!)

Pachelbel’s Canon in DIs, at its CAKE piece, you see.

It WORD me that I missed MaineCon.

Hey! Come see my show,Barnyard Animals, featur-Ing me as a horse(What a wonderful creature)!

You’ll get a reward:My John Hancock (concise,So, perhaps, my J.H.)On your program. How nice!

And we’ve written a sequel —’Twas pleasant to do.SOL my specialty (equineSounds). Come see that too!

Counting cash is taxing work,So tellers need their mid-day naps.A “teller’s noon” is 1 p.m.:That’s typically when MENTAL LAPSE.

Along with his humor, the intertwined stringsOf his plots made a Pratchett fan out of my boss.“Each book starts all Greek, then it clicks, then it sings.If you don’t read them all,” he says, “well, it’s your loss.”

Not one of his nine to eleven reports(I lost count) has read any of Sir Terry’s work.We like to make fun; when we do, he retortsWith some pithy remark and a devious smirk.

“Performance reviews,” he’s announced with delight,“Now include a new section called ‘Discworld’, you schnooks.”He made our team’s tasks include Pratchett to KNIGHTSo of his employees into reading those books.

Ride, the astronaut, at first,Was known to fancy mischief, soWhen she expressed her growing thirstTo visit space, she got a “no”.

She gained the trust of all the crew —It took some time, but they grew fond.So NASA TWO INned OUT ONE toExplore the great beyond.

The bar floor is slick —Beware RICK’s CRICK.

¿What? . . .. . . inherited . . .. . . china . . .. . . rico!

Hale’s Feeding Troughs GmbH:Our product never fails.I give it seven years, at most,Before we lead EWE sales.

The powers that be all agree:Confusing works cause some to flee.My local art gallery choseTo, as a result, POSY *POSE.

Multiple univerbe theory impliebMultiple heavenb and multiple hellb.Bo when an event hab a doomed hind of vibe,Your phrabe may necebbitate multiple BELLB.

It’s April, and this pastime’s stillEffective, helping us to fillFree time. Hey — NBC once showedA secret Seinfeld episode.Elaine’s a singer in a bandAnd, during shows, makes sure to handOut quizzes to ensure her crowdIs listening. Costanza loud-Ly balks: “My shows — no tests!” “Just one?”“Not even!” HUSH are slim to none.

I just encountered Andy from The Office (US version).(I still do call him Andy to maintain complete immersionIn the show I loved, despite the fact that we all said goodbyeAfter nine great seasons — but I’ll use his real-life name hereby.)

At any rate, he told me (as I stood there starstruck/awed)That he couldn’t quite decide on his preferred Egyptian god.I stared at him, quite stunned (as I was under this guy’s spell),Then blurted, “It should THREE ONE, TWO!”, then CURRENT him farewell.

The pitch of the droneOf the drone was UNKNOWN.

Oh, don’t be DOC. It could be worse.I’m half your age. I’m going NURSE.

Will I be shunned if I come to the conWith a grin and a dozen flats, scantily GONE?

For roughly six months,I’ve been part of the MORE.It fills me with joyAnd it fills me with FOUR.

My family’s prank war has not seen surrender!The teams formed by nature — we paired off by gender.My father and I go with impulse and messes,So trips, spills, and smells are considered successes.

The women rely more on science and guile:Odd pills and strange drinks and a more planned-out style.The gags from that duo are truly the worst:My mother’s a SPLIT and my SECOND — a FIRST.

A. Valladolid has some excellent food,Like soursop (that’s fruit) ice cream.B. Perhaps why I swam here you now can conclude.No ship, no RV. I’m extreme!C. And ergo, although I’m enjoying my tripTo Jeb Bush’s wife’s land of birth,

My next trek approaches: I’m taking a dipFrom Mexico elsewhere on Earth!

The twenty-fourth round of the annual MathIcosipentathlon has come to a close.Conversion to binary just felt my wrath —My rival’s ahead now by barely a nose.

A miscalculation in poker (round seven)Did lead me to make an unfortunate fold.A paper concerning prime numbers (eleven)Earned praise and left me with a shot at the gold.

This last event has us performing in pairs;By fortune, my partner’s the woman in third.We shared some designs (mostly lines drawn on squares)And came to agreement on which we preferred.

Like goalies in hockey, pre-game in the crease,We’ll stretch (though, in this case, just fingers and hands).And BASE TWO is best, will be glad and at peace.First place will be mine — time to follow those plans!

My home tests with X-rays are costing too much.Like, can you believe, fifty bucks SUCH AND SUCH?

The WHOLE SHEBANG provides reviewsBoth BANK and countryfolk peruse.

My parents vacationed in PLACE HERE INSERT,And all that I got was THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.Just one piece of bread — from the wrong place — I’m hurt!

My parents vacationed in PLACE HERE INSERT,And all that I got was THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.It melted — apparently, there, it’s dessert!

TWO hang gliding!

You’ll sail! You’ll fly!You’ll ONE in the sky!

You’ll shriek! You’ll yell!You’ll KEY like hell!

TWO hang gliding!

Doctor Who is one of the lessDEUS things on the bloody U.S.

BOSS — that zest! —It’s just the bestIn my opinion.Truly MINION.

Words — they get my heart rate up,Like when I jog or run.When I speak or write or TWOI feel it in my ONE.

A snake ate all my comics!I guess I’m ECONOMICS.

I dropped a record and it disappeared.Why did Fugazi make one of their BEARD?

Against KEY’s LATE the Gallic tribesWeren’t able to defend;The Battle of AlesiaThus EARLY to an end.

My waiting has finally ended:EXPANDED has come in the BANK.(The author has something in commonWith physicist Ilya Frank.)

My wife has an affliction whereShe must know the locationOf each and every food we own.It’s quite a strange fixation.

We sat down for a meal one nightWith friends who’d come to visit.Suddenly, my wife yelled, “TheAsparagus! Where is it?”

I told her to take three deep breathsSo we could eat our dinner;“My dear,” I said, quite patiently,“My dear, it’s in the WINNER.”

On your trip to Italy,It would be LAME to goTo a pastry shop to trySome real EMILIO.

I monitored my auntsAt our family Christmas party.They joked with nearly everyoneWith laughs supremely hearty.

They hovered by the tray of nuts(Pistachios and such)And took too many photos,Which annoys me very much.

My aunts, they love to KEY,Never seen without a CHOIR,And worst of all (to me) they’reAlways toting their E-WIRE.

My swordplay lessons have exceededLofty expectations.My teacher places unrelentingEmphasis on patience.I’d have much wealth if, each time IHeard this, I earned a dime:“No one’s KEY with FIRST in handThan a SECOND of one’s time.”